Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Sometimes you want to Buck the Schedule

I've been thinking again and I'm starting to wonder if I should get counseling or go see a psychiatrist or something. See...over the last couple of days, I've heard a few people say that you shouldn't just bury your past and never deal with it. Now this makes perfect sense to me. Of course you should deal with your past, it's only natural and healthy. I'm just not really sure how to go about that though. I don't think I need to go see a psychiatrist because I'm not having medical issues but a counselor might do me good for trying to figure out why I do some of the stupid things I do or why I feel a certain way sometimes.

I also hate how wishy washy I get. Well actually....that's a lie. The fact that I change back and forth on things often doesn't bother me but it bothers me that it bothers other people that I'm wishy washy, and it also bothers me that I care what these other people think. This takes me back to my counseling thought but why do I let other people dictate the way I do things and how I feel about myself so heavily. Why am I not able to exist as a person outside of the influences of other people? And why do I always fail at escaping this influence when I try to avoid letting others influence my actions? Is this even a bad thing?

And also, why do I have no spine when it comes to authority figures?

I need some help....

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A Wednesday Evening Post

I know, I missed my deadline but I make the rules here and that's the way it goes.

I watched the movie "Penelope" last night and had a stunning realization; I really like a lot of chick flicks.

Now this in turn got me thinking about myself and my oddities and I started thinking about how I always end up breaking people down into complexes like a psychologist or something crazy like that. Then I began to wonder why I did this and ended up breaking myself down into complexes. Here are some of my complexes.

The "Everyone who doesn't talk to me every time they see me hates me" complex: I discovered this one today. I have this thing where I think a lot of people hate me when they actually don't, they're just too busy to talk to me. I like there's this girl at school who I know and we talk sometimes but we haven't talked for a while and she hasn't really waved at me or anything recently and so I thought she hated me but then we had a talk in the hallway because she was on spare and I was just on my way out the door. I think I feel this way because earlier in life there was this girl who I was really good friends with but then she just stopped talking to me because she hated me suddenly and then I just transferred that over to the rest of people.....this one complicates my life right now.

The "How Could Anyone Ever Like Me" Complex: This one is one I've known about for a while. It means that I wonder why people would ever want to be my friends often, and leaves me feeling like I will never get e girlfriend/wife. It also affects my music because I feel very self-critical about my music and then I smother it and hate it and stop listening to it. It's kind of frustrating.

It's possible I have more complexes but I really don't want to think about anymore right now because I would like to sleep well tonight.

Living far from home is going well....I hope things continue this way.

Sorry for the short post. I'm super un-motivated today.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

"So Ben, why are you here today on my couch?"
"Well I've been thinking about things and just generally feeling rather poorly as of late"
"That's no good to hear. Would you kindly tell me about these things that you're thinking about."
"I'm a fairly socially awkward person. I've been getting better at small talk in the last little while, but I still don't really know how to respond to people I don't know when I'm forced to spend time with them. Do I ignore them, do I try to make awkward small talk, etc. It doesn't really help my confidence in these situations when my father and my best friend can both cut down awkward silences as though they were long grass being whacked away by a machete. But this isn't really much of a problem since I've gotten through life completely fine with my limited social skills anyways. My problem is that I feel that my limited social skills are preventing me from making friends who are willing to socialize with me outside of whatever activities it is that we normally take part in. I've been going to Frontenac for nine months now and other than a few people I know from camp, I have never hung out with anyone from school outside of school hours. This seems weird to me because I went through 4 years at QCHS and did tons of stuff with friends and non-friends outside of school hours and that was pretty normal wheras now I pretty much have made no friends at school.
Now I understand that this is probably just due to the fact that I'm a victory lapper dropping in out of nowhere and showing up in a school of 1200 kids so that may contribute to my lack of new friends but it still worries me because what if I end up in a simmilar situation next year at Queen's. I understand that it's impossible for me to not meet people but what if I end up with a whole bunch of friends who just don't hang out with me outside of school for whatever reason. That worries me considerably. So there's my dilemma right now."

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The (Almost) WMP

Well it appears I've missed the deadline thus making this the wednesday noonday post instead of the wednesday morning post but I hope you're all ok with this. Here is my life in five paragraphs or less... GO!

I moved out of the room I've slept in since birth over the weekend. It felt really good. It was time to leave the nest and now I get to spend inordinate amounts of time hanging out with fellow morning post writer J-Woods. It's pretty sweet.

I take the bus all the time now due to the fact that I can't walk to frontenac anymore and I must say....the bus is absolutely awesome. More people should ride it because it's a fun and economical form of transportation.

The House and I went to see Iron Man on Friday and then Jason and I went AGAIN last night (it was cheap night) and it is awesome. I'm really pumped for the incredible hulk and all the avengers movies now so....it's gonna be sweet. Also, if you go see Iron Man wait around until after the credits are over and your brain will explode. It's epic but you will recieve no details unless you go see the movie.

And that's all for now. Enjoy your day folks.