Failure (sort of)

I tried to do the RPM challenge this year which is where you attempt to write and record an album in one month (remember when I completed it in 2008?). I failed, sort of. I did not complete the ten song album in February. I went on a trip to New York City and got engaged in the middle there so that cut into my productivity time. I still managed to start on six songs though.

The reason why I say I sort of failed is that I'm still planning on finishing those six songs. I have today and tomorrow off from work, so I'll be packing in those songs over the next two days. When it's all done, I'll post the finished 6 song EP on my Bandcamp page (see the sidebar). It will be ROUGH (so you've been warned) but I'm really excited about some of the songs.

I'll give an update tomorrow with how far I manage to get once I get started on the 6 songs. I think I can finish it in time.

Social Reduction

So I got rid of Facebook. It's been a month and a half now. I don't idly type "face..." into my browser bar anymore so I think that's an improvement.

It's really hard for me to tell if my life is any different because I'm not on Facebook. I know that most of the time I just read my news feed, stared at other people's pictures, and often felt that everyone else was having a better social life than I was. I don't miss any of those parts.

I got rid of my cell phone a little bit before I got rid of Facebook, and this is where I think it might have actually made a difference. I used to try and make spontaneous plans with people that would happen within 24 hours, but I always did these things over Facebook or via text messages. With no phone and no Facebook wall, any spontaneous plans I do make get made over Twitter (which not everyone has) and they happen less frequently.

Since it's February, I'm not feeling the greatest and so I've been reflecting over these things a lot lately. I tend to do better when I get to hang out with people, but that hasn't been happening as much lately and I don't know if it's because I dropped off the face of the virtual world (no pun intended).

Pretty Girls

I think some people are having a perfect life. It's true. I know that there's no way it can be true but still I think some people are having a perfect life. Sometimes I meet pretty girls either through school, or work, or through other friends and I think they're having perfect lives. I used to think this about my girlfriend. When we first met I didn't talk to her for a long time because I got all nervous around her because she is a pretty girl. I also thought she had a perfect life because of all the stories she told and because of stuff that generally happened. I think this about other people too, but pretty girls are the most common group that I think this about.

Periodically I learn that this is a stupid thing to think because it's so wildly untrue. I learned it in the weeks before I started dating Amanda, and another girl teaches me that it's a stupid thing to think every couple of months. I'm hoping I stop having to learn this lesson soon because watching people struggle with loneliness and suffer in life sucks. It makes me wish that my projections on people could actually be true.

Though I don't like seeing people suffer, it is comforting in a "we're all in this together" kind of way to know that everyone experiences suffering. It makes me feel less lonely when shit happens, and it makes it easier to connect with people when I know that we at least have suffering and loneliness in common, if nothing else.

Stick With This One Til The End

I have a girlfriend now.

I want to slap myself in the face when I realize that’s the first thing that I want to say. I feel like this girls total lack of interest in me is just her way of avoiding me because I was interested in her at one point. I feel like if I push that motivation out of the way then we can just go ahead and be friends again. I don’t think about all the other stuff that has happened besides that; the last of communication from her end or the lack of any interaction whatsoever in the last 3 years. I think I should probably get the hint by now.

At some point I realized that people (myself included) hate the idea of not being able to talk to someone again. People say “see you later” instead of “goodbye” even when there’s no chance of ever seeing this person again. We don’t want to give up on what seems like a decent friendship even if we haven’t put any effort into trying to keep in touch with the person. This is why people add friends from High School on Facebook and then stalk their profile while they think about sending something beyond the initial message that contains something to the effect of “Hey I haven’t seen you in forever!”

I’m just as guilty of this as everyone else. I have a finite amount of time to interact with people so I have to pick and choose which friends I spend time with regularly. Usually that means people get displaced because of geography. I don’t like that this happens and I wish I was better able to keep in touch with my friends in other cities, but I feel like they’re doing the same things. With three exceptions, I’ve received no attempt from any friends from outside the Westport area to spend time together and reconnect.

I like to think that this is one of the things that will make the Kingdom of God awesome. Eternity totally eliminated the scarcity of time that occurs in life right now. With unlimited time, you can spend a lot of time getting to know everyone and fellowshipping with them. A world where people don’t feel like they’re not someone else’s priority? That sounds like heaven to me.

...Much Love

I decided that's how I want to end my emails.

Much Love
Ben

It still feels scandalous. It feels like I'm saying too much when I end an email but I really mean it. I really think hard about what I'm saying when I end an email like that. I just hope people understand that I'm being sincere.

Long Drives

I drive a lot late at night.

You know that you are driving late when CBC radio 1 changes over to its feed to the BBC world service. It's so late that even the CBC is taking a break. Most recently I experienced this on Sunday. Jason had invited me to a Toronto Maple Leafs game and I got away late. Normally I would have just stayed over in Toronto or driven and slept in the next morning but on this particular night I had to work at 7 the next morning so I elected to press onward.

Somewhere around 2 AM just outside of Toronto I pulled over to grab a coffee and take a nap. I find it helpful that the Tim Horton's in every rest stop in Ontario stays open 24/7. Thanks Tim Horton's. I laid down and was awoken 30 minutes later by my ipod only to realize that I had another 2 hours to go. Sigh. The woes of a compressed schedule.

I arrived home around 4 and set my alarm. The display which tells me how long before I have to wake up said 1:51. Sleep came quickly.

I think my alarm went off but I was clearly too tired to get up when it did because the next thing I remember was hearing the phone ring and knowing that it was someone from work calling.

"Hello"
"Hey Ben it's Joe"
"Hey Joe. I'll be there in 20 minutes"
*Jim the head cook yells indiscriminately in the background*

It was at this moment that I decided to stop driving late at night.

Last night my dad and I got to Detroit at Midnight only to get up and leave the next day at 6 AM. I wish I could actually stick to my decisions.

Better

Every year that I've been running this blog, I've written more posts. Last year I wrote 80 posts. That amazes me because it's not really like I set out to write 80 posts. I also intended to leave my blog alone when I went to California which makes it a little more amazing.

I usually make a list of all the things I want to do when a new year comes along. This year I decided not to though. I realized that every year I look back on my list from the previous year and discover that I did one or two items on the list by accident but made no progress on other things. Instead of making pointless lists at the beginning of the year, I've decided to work on making each year better than the previous one. If I do that successfully, then somewhere around 40, my life will be so amazing I won't even need lists. I hope you caught some of the irony there...not that I don't think that my life could be awesome at 40, but that's not really something I would think about. Short term goals are what I focus on now. What can I do today. Tomorrow can worry about itself.

Making each year better than the last seems like a fairly easily attainable goal. I look back at this year and identify all the bad things about it, and then just don't do those. I even get a whole year to do it in. That's so exciting. I could do that without stressing about it too much.

Here's to this year being better than the last. That sounds like something I can aspire to.

Leisure

I haven't had much room to breathe. The last week or so has led me on a whirlwind tour of Southern Ontario and the Detroit Area so aside from work, I've mostly been trying to take it easy. Taking it easy is harder than it sounds though. I often feel anxious even as I'm doing something that should be relaxing, like playing video games.

Because of this, I've been thinking about leisure a bit lately. I used to think that all leisure was restful but after thinking about it a bunch, I'm thinking that leisure and rest are two different things. Leisure seems to be things that you choose to participate in (as opposed to work which is where there is a requirement to do something). You could choose to play hockey in your leisure time and find that you're quite worn out at the end of it all. Rest seems to have more to do with lowering your activity level.

I don't really know if this is particularly useful for anyone except me, but I thought it was interesting.

No Beard New Years

Beards and moustaches, they're everywhere. They're in the NHL Playoffs, they're in November, they're in December, they're in the wild. You really just can't get away from them. It's gotten to a point where most of the year seems to be centred around growing a beard and/or moustache.

It's time for a break. It's time to face the facts. Some people just don't look good in facial hair. Some people can't grow a beard. Sometimes you need to shave.

This month why not participate in "No Beard New Years". It is an opportunity to give everyone a break from our facial hair. It is a chance to use those fancy shavers we've been given for Christmas. It is a time to celebrate the time honoured tradition of waking up ridiculously early to spend ten minutes shaving.

Anyone can join in. All you have to do is keep your face free of facial hair for the entire month of January. This year think about starting things off with a clean shave.

Christmas Eve (Apologies for the Melodrama)

This is probably going to sound depressing, which is more a comment on what we think about holidays than on the state of my life, but I'm spending my first Christmas eve alone. I work tomorrow at 6 AM. I get paid more so that's nice, but I wish that I had someone other than The Roots in the house this evening.

I was thinking about "A Christmas Carol" on the way home this evening. Scrooge goes to bed hating Christmas, and when he wakes up in the morning he wants nothing more than to be with other people and share joy. I wish people had dreams like that more often. The world would be a better place.

People don't change as quickly as we'd like. When you get into the nitty gritty, a lot of the teachings of Christ have to do with the fact that people aren't perfect and we need to figure out how to deal with it. I fantasize about people having textbook climaxes and turnarounds all the time, but I've almost never seen it happen. If you know of someone who's done that, let me know. I'd love to hear about it.