Sometimes I hesitate to write on here because it feels narcissistic. What I mean by that is that writing here feels selfish and self-fulfilling in a way that really benefits no one. What purpose do my reflections on my own life serve for anyone else? Sometimes I don't know. I always try to share thoughts that are easy to articulate and that seem interesting and coherent. Because of the nature of my though process, most of those thoughts end up being about my personal experience.
This week I had some time off and I was struck by how automatic my behaviour became. Everything was about doing something to "relax". Play this video game, watch this movie, do these dishes, don't think about unhappy things. I spent time going from task to task in an effort to distract myself from what was a very difficult week. In the middle of it, I realized that I was avoiding any sort of meaningful reflection. I was busy doing things, but I had not thought about how I was feeling or why I was acting the way I was acting. On top of that I started to be really selfish and lazy, which I'm sure my wife noticed particularly. I just wanted to sit on the couch for well beyond what would have been considered a reasonable amount of time.
I write about myself on here a lot, but I use those posts to reflect on life. I don't just do things and then toss the experience and move on to the next thing. I reflect on it and share my thoughts about it in an effort to connect with others in some way and maybe get a better understanding of what I should be doing in my life and how I can help solve problems and fix difficult behaviours.
I've taken all of this time to conclude that there is a distinct difference between reflection and narcissism. One says "I am the centre of the universe", while the other says "why do I feel this way in the universe". Reflection is a powerful tool for change when one uses it properly.